low blood sugar from russian torture session...

...creates stream of consciousness blog post:

I don't know if I've ever been so entirely consumed by a show before… This morning, I realized that I was counting my sit-ups in conditioning class in a southern accent… I feel like I vaguely remember my life before this show started, but that it's all rather hazy… I feel like my concentration on things during life outside the rehearsal room is the antithesis to my concentration in the room (meaning - no concentration at all in normal life)… I keep having to make sure that I have really locked doors, really remembered my keys and really closed the birdies cage with the birdies actually in it. Scary. I feel so swept away by this one.

Carrie, my Blanche, played a little practical joke on me yesterday as we were lounging around and getting our notes. She tied my shoelaces together. I got up to try something for the director and almost landed on my wee little face. It was sooooo oddly pleasing. I don't have an older sibling nor a whole lot of historical bully experiences, so no one has ever done that to me before… (Blanche is my older sister by 5 years in the play) and since Carrie and I have become so accustomed to one another so quickly (i.e. picking things out of each others teeth, constant petting, checking in, tucking in tags, pulling nats out of hair, constant realizations of things that we do the same…you know, girl things…), I presumed she was just fixing my messy shoelaces. Hah. :) it's such a small thing, but since our relationships have grown so deeply so quickly, I really honestly felt like I had an older sister in that moment. Nice.

Carrie, Daniel and I have been working our asses off and it's never felt quite so good to work so hard. The only thing I can compare it to is circus. For the last few years (and especially since training in circus), I've felt frustrated with acting because I feel like a lot of theatre people are lazy. Myself included… so I feel like I'm allowed to talk about this… ;) If you are a dancer, there are certain things you have to train and a certain way you have to live in order to constantly maintain and or improve your art. Same thing with music - be it singing, instrumental, composing, etc. You have to practice. You have to stay committed. You have to put in the time. With circus, it takes SO much effort to be able to do anything at all, that it seems to weed people out fairly quickly and, well, honestly… only the strong survive. Not so with acting. Theatre doesn't 'weed out' quite so prodigiously. And that doesn't have to be a bad thing. But I do feel like actors can and do get lazy. When actors are not actively working on a show, they don't spend 4 hours a day reading plays, seeing plays, working on monologues, adding new skills etc. An acrobat does. A dancer does. Some musicians do. ;) Most actors do not. The longer I am around, the more I see how important it is for us to 'get things in our body' and this really only happens with practice. Granted, actors do indeed do this during the rehearsal process for a show. We are lucky enough to have 8 hours a day to do it for Streetcar. This is not always the case. A lot of the time actors will start rehearsal at 6pm after a long day of doing some other job and then have 4 hours to work on what they ostensibly love to do. But we get tired. We don't push ourselves to go deeper, try things new ways… We tell ourselves that we'll try it tomorrow, you know, when we aren't so tired. But then we end up being tired the next day and the next. Here's where a really good director can save your freaking life. Personally, I love to be pushed… I love to try to open up new things… see something in a new way… but sometimes, I have a hard time forcing myself to be the nexus of change. It's hard. It's uncomfortable. It's exhausting. But it's also so freaking exhilarating. And it's really where the work is - the work that we do as actors. We should not be trying to find 'the right way', but trying to find ALL the ways and then have them all at your disposal so that when a cast mate throws you a curve ball, you're not just open and ready, but you catch it and return it with a fast ball of your own… We are lucky to have such an amazing director for Streetcar. Jasson inspires. He pushes. He questions. He really listens. He cares. He's direct and pulls no freaking punches. He's open and receptive and trusting and trustworthy. And I haven't even seen a hint of an ego trip. It's rather refreshing and so very pleasing. Have I mentioned you all must come? ;)

This is hard to talk about and I'm doing a bumbling job of it. I guess I'm done for now.

They ordered shamrock cookies here at work today for an afternoon treat. They taste like cardboard. Such a waste to eat a bad cookie. Such a waste to make a bad cookie.