god of crab babies

i just returned from my 'god of hell' pairing/callback thing at the magic and am feeling sad. the other women there were like a 'who's who' of bay area theatre, which i must admit was pretty freaking flattering, but i felt like i didn't really land anything and wasn't really in the right place. and i didn't get any notes about anything except to take my hair down. which i'm sure was to see if i could at all possibly look older since everyone there was 10 - 20 years older than me. which again, is very flattering, but i am just not quite that old yet and, well, i dunno, ugh. i'm actually having that horrible actor feeling about never working again, which is a common actor neurosis and quite frankly i have just not really worried about it all that much or have not fallen into that yuckiness very much, but i can feel it slowly creeping right now and i need it to go the fuck away because it is just not helpful and i know that it feels that way because of the commercial disappointment and now this. I know it is rather negative, but i know that i did not get this part. Sometimes you just know. And i feel sad. And that is just the way it is. Period. Oh, right. And there is too much going on, which makes the sadness feel yuckier. But i am sitting here breathing and trying to let it go as fast as possible because SARAH JUST HAD HER BABY, which is just like the most amazing thing and we are going to go see her and it will be wonderful and incredible and i just don't want to bring any sense of a poo pit into the room when we go witness the first viewing of Daisy. Ohmigoodness i am so excited. I feel giddy. I cannot wait and have no idea what to expect. I will go play my new, still not named guitar and look at Figgy and will find my zen place and perhaps it will all be okay. :)

i am not very good at not winning.

I am not very good at putting a lot of effort into something and not having it return something fruitful.

I am however very good at being a friend and am ready to view a completely new soul added to this world by two very good friends. Wow. :) and daisy is a cancer the crab, just like me. :) yay!