how dairy can make a day better....

fresh mozzarella cheese is so pleasing.

my amaryllis at work decided to come back from the dead today. it sprouted three inches of green... :)

...and god i love biking through this city on a perfectly not too hot-not too cold sunny day...

i am very thankful for trees.

mmmmmmmm.

so - anybody out there that needs a good massage therapist - talk to me. i know i've waxed on about jen weed before, but let me repeat...the BEST. she is the best. She has her own space now in the mission/potrero hill area and i'd love to help her get off to a great start in her new home (she'll still be at the mindful body as well)....

just let me know if you want her info. :)

i had an hour and a half with her tonight to try to rub streetcar somewhat out.... i hate to say it....but....it's not gonna go easy... it has taken up residence. whew. ouch. but it was a start. i'm going back next week.

afterwards i had drinks and dinner and drinks with my sister carrie paff. we never once talked in a southern accent all night long. i am so proud. it was wonderful. went to aperto in potrero hill. had to wait a loooooong time for a table, but twas worth it. yummy yummy yums - right across the street from goat hill pizza. go to goat hill when you are short on cash. go to aperto when you want a nice cosy splurge.

otherwise....things are still much rawer than i had expected. ah well. one day at a time....

...been doing a bit better today. had three close calls with the tear ducts, but being in the office made that rather uncomfortable and unruly, so i was able to keep it together....

however... i would normally be crossing the golden gate bridge and heading to mill valley right now to do the most brilliant play of all time as one of my favorite characters of all time and instead i am finishing up billing issues at work and it seems soooooooo surreal.

we had cast party number two last night at dena's house. it was lovely. lovely. lots of singing around the campfire. definitely a wonderful salve, but certainly not an antidote....

ouch. heart broken. ouch.

meowch

There is something magical about this play. It doesn't just transform those of us in it, it also transforms everyone who comes along for the ride. Shit.

Just two more to go.... Twill be a bittersweet day indeed....

And thank you so much to all you guys... friends, family, complete strangers with open hearts... I really appreciate all the support over the past two months... and your patience... and understanding... i will come back to you all soon... The mourning period may be really rough and I may be on need of extra hugs and ice cream and Korean spa visits and stupid movies and bourbon and hikes and music and circus and stuff, but I look forward to being able to hold real conversations with you all soon....

love,
arwen/stella, who will be just arwen very soon...

uh oh.

oh dear. the final week. the countdown has begun. tonight was our last tuesday show. i think i'm going to start getting really sad.... really soon.

uh oh.

my joujou, or rather... my juju

The broken, open feeling comes and goes. Sometimes it feels like it's smacking me upside the head, other times it feels like crouching in a dark corner would be nice, sometimes it feels like absolute bliss and sometimes things feel just fine… sorta like the pirate ship ride at an amusement park… the one that is basically a large pendulum. But - I've had some decent meals, been getting a bit more sleep here and there (although my introduction to bourbon seems to have gone well and I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing?!?!?!), I walked myself in the redwoods last week (and did Tennessee Valley for the first time yesterday) and have had one or two moments of alone time. Those things have all helped. Otherwise, I am not capable of much right now. Coraline is not rehearsing at all. The week of opening I stopped going to the circus center (which actually feels like the right choice right now) and I haven't been back yet… It's really hard to concentrate at work. Really hard. I'm probably not the bestest friend in the world right now. My apartment is rather foreign to me. I think I put it best to my mom the other day - I just totally surrender. For the first time in my life, I totally surrender to the fact that I actually cannot do it ALL right now. I can handle precious little on top of this show and I admit it and I'm not fighting it. Feels kinda good, actually. ;) kinda freeing… I don't know if I've ever surrendered in my whole life… usually I just flail and kick and scream and bite the bullet til I somehow get everything done and make everyone happy and learn everything I need to know and pick up all the pieces and keep going.

Right now I can a) do streetcar, b) sometimes sleep, c) eat and drink, d) get exercise, e) play guitar.

That's all.

Otherwise, I dunno. I was gonna vent about our review, but I'm totally over it now… and any of you that know me, know my opinion of people who choose to judge other people's art for a living. It's been nice to get back on Mr. Speedy so much this week. Biking is freedom, I tell you. Freedom. I took the motorcycle today though, just to give her a little love. It's a remarkable day out today. I sadly tell you this from the 22nd floor of an office building, but I did get out in it to run some errands… it's the kind of day that makes Patty Griffin write happy songs. :)

Oh - and my juju (which I admit, I like to spell joujou) seems to have corrected itself. After just escaping that awful golden gate bridge crash, a couple days later Arika and I were walking up fillmore street and missed a horrific bus accident by a minute or two. A muni bus hit an elderly pedestrian and from what we were told - the man lost his legs. Ugh. That was bad. Then two days later, I'm on my bike on the way to work and some urban hipster cyclist wipes out directly in front of me and the car ahead of me. He was okay (no helmet!), but it was upsetting and unsettling and looked like it hurt. Later that afternoon, Hector is driving me to the theatre and we see a car hit a young boy on a bicycle (no helmet!). This one was two cars ahead of us and we just suddenly saw limbs flying in the air. Again, he was okay, but JAYSUS, WTF?!?!?!??! After citing me for my juju and looking at me with terror, Hector took it back and posited the theory that it was actually safer to be WITH me these days, since all this stuff seems to happen just ahead of or behind me.

But thankfully there *knock on wood* have been no more of these creepy incidents. I'd like to keep it that way.

Here's a photo of our stunningly beautiful set (click on it to see it full-size):

9 Crimes

we just did the show 9 times this past week. the show is 3 hours long. we had 3 two show days. it's a monster, but i love every minute of it. jesus. it was past 4am when i finally fell asleep last night. the carrot bread at Pete's is yummy. i went to step aerobics class today for the first time in like, two months. it was really fun. the drive-by-truckers fucking rule. i cannot focus at work today to save my freaking life. i forgot how good dutch crunch rolls are... homeless people are more upsetting to me than usual these days. this morning on my bike commute, i saw a man who seemed, um, not so well, asleep in the middle of a sidewalk downtown with his pants pulled halfway down his ass and people were just stepping over or around him. there is something so wrong with this. i am going to go eat a real dinner with dave now. i have to tell you all about my strange accident joujou, but 'twill have to be later.... hopefully not as late as 4am.... but later. ok.

we made it.

oh god - after the struggle that was opening, we had an absolutely lovely fucking show tonight. LOVELY. Everyone showed up. and with extra ammunition.... it's the way it should be.

*insert arwen breathing big sigh of relief*

now i REALLY need to go to sleep since 12 hours from now I will be just about to hit intermission of our student matinee.

yeah. i know.

goodnight.