meow.

I'm feeling a little broken. Like maybe one of my wings has sustained a hefty injury. My heart feels a little too open for comfort. Nope, let's be honest here - WAY too open for comfort. My lines feel very blurred. My head is so full. I can't seem to conjure my handy dandy protective crab shell and so I feel a bit naked. I think my tear ducts are going to start charging overtime. My equilibrium (which I work SO hard to maintain) is, um, a good bit thrown off… and I have this foggy, distant feeling from myself. It's uncomfortable and unsettling and sorta terrifying and exhausting, but I get the sense that this is where I am supposed to be… where Tennessee Williams wants us to be.

Ouch.

I need to eat a real meal.
I need some alone time.
I need to write a song.
I need to play on my aerial silk.
I need to fall asleep at a decent hour. without the aid of red wine.
I need to be walked. in redwoods.
I still need a dog.

But first I need to get through opening night tomorrow.

I got an A+ at the dentist today. and she's coming to see the show. :)

buildings and bridges are made to bend in the wind...

...to withstand the world, that's what it takes.

yes. thank you ani.

This morning I was so tired. So very, very tired. You know that deep, deep feel-it-in-the-fabric-of-your-soul tired? Yeah. That kind of tired. (I have a feeling that all of you with kids are going 'um, yes Arwen, we know' or you are thinking 'um, just wait til you have a kid Arwen, it gets worse!') ;)

There was a 10 car pile up on the golden gate bridge yesterday. It happened at about 2:40pm. Our call time in Mill Valley was 3pm. Blanche and I were in my car on our merry way, excited about stuff, happy that we were running ahead of schedule and la la la when suddenly traffic came to a dead halt. Then the emergency crews started coming…police, fire trucks, ambulances, helicopters. LOTS of them. The great big beautiful suspension bridge was literally quivering with all the hubbub. We ended up stranded there in the dead middle of the bridge for a full hour. What we didn't realize is that we were only maybe 500 feet from the accident. We missed it by about 30 seconds to 1 minute at the most. As Carrie (my Blanche) and I sat there in Saphira getting later and later for rehearsal, we had a certain strange calm descend upon us and started talking about how intensely lucky we were - to be alive - to be there together - to be okay, when so many other people were really hurting - to be stuck in the middle of the most beautiful bridge in the world on a crisp, clear sunny day staring straight into the Marin Headlands, where red-tailed hawks were lazily circling, whilst utter chaos ensued below. It was all rather intense. After this strange, hazy hour passed, we started moving forward and that's when we found out just how CLOSE we had been to the actual accident. We saw some of the cars being towed away and it was just horrifying. A Volvo had crossed over into the oncoming traffic lanes of 101 southbound and the crash had spread from there… and it just happened to be the last thing we saw once we finally cleared the bridge - this carcass of a Volvo. I have never seen anything like it. It was deeply unsettling on a very base human level.

There are too many things going on and too many things to do. I have totally reached overwhelmed status. Dave is trying to pick up the slack, but he's busy too, so, yeah… it's a lot. All of the planning of our east and west coast celebratory deals, plus the show, plus the day job, plus trying to at least keep my pinkie in the circus arena, bills, cleaning, laundry, endless e-mails…..blah blhababhalbalbhalbhlbhalbahlab you get the idea. I mean Easter sorta popped up out of nowhere. Dave's birthday passed with me basically being out for the count. So so so hard to keep up right now. I was really proud of myself today for remembering to pick up some raspberry jam. That's sorta parthetic.

Daniel (my Stanley) has introduced me to this CrossFit phenomenon. http://www.crossfit.com/ it's sorta totally insane and totally different than anything that I currently do (or have ever done, I guess). I will tell you - it is HARD core. I really like it. :) Today, I had a pretty short amount of time between tech rehearsal ending and call time for our first preview and yet with the help of this CrossFit thing, I kicked my own ass hardcore in about 20 minutes. Pleasing.

Ok - I need one small little play vent:
I still love this play desperately and I still love my little precious Stella desperately, but jesus, could somebody please cut her a break? Having to negotiate two rather enigmatic, manipulative, needy and passionate people for a 3 hour play is starting to drain the poor Stella. She really is so very caught in the middle of two tornadoes and I don't know how much that translates since she works so hard to keep her feet on the ground… but I will tell you that the Arwen that is the Stella could use a little petting now and then. Blanche is not the only DuBois sister who is sensitive.

Flag

This is called a flag. It is totally ridiculous, no?

goodbye...

...entering TECH now. will emerge later.

low blood sugar from russian torture session...

...creates stream of consciousness blog post:

I don't know if I've ever been so entirely consumed by a show before… This morning, I realized that I was counting my sit-ups in conditioning class in a southern accent… I feel like I vaguely remember my life before this show started, but that it's all rather hazy… I feel like my concentration on things during life outside the rehearsal room is the antithesis to my concentration in the room (meaning - no concentration at all in normal life)… I keep having to make sure that I have really locked doors, really remembered my keys and really closed the birdies cage with the birdies actually in it. Scary. I feel so swept away by this one.

Carrie, my Blanche, played a little practical joke on me yesterday as we were lounging around and getting our notes. She tied my shoelaces together. I got up to try something for the director and almost landed on my wee little face. It was sooooo oddly pleasing. I don't have an older sibling nor a whole lot of historical bully experiences, so no one has ever done that to me before… (Blanche is my older sister by 5 years in the play) and since Carrie and I have become so accustomed to one another so quickly (i.e. picking things out of each others teeth, constant petting, checking in, tucking in tags, pulling nats out of hair, constant realizations of things that we do the same…you know, girl things…), I presumed she was just fixing my messy shoelaces. Hah. :) it's such a small thing, but since our relationships have grown so deeply so quickly, I really honestly felt like I had an older sister in that moment. Nice.

Carrie, Daniel and I have been working our asses off and it's never felt quite so good to work so hard. The only thing I can compare it to is circus. For the last few years (and especially since training in circus), I've felt frustrated with acting because I feel like a lot of theatre people are lazy. Myself included… so I feel like I'm allowed to talk about this… ;) If you are a dancer, there are certain things you have to train and a certain way you have to live in order to constantly maintain and or improve your art. Same thing with music - be it singing, instrumental, composing, etc. You have to practice. You have to stay committed. You have to put in the time. With circus, it takes SO much effort to be able to do anything at all, that it seems to weed people out fairly quickly and, well, honestly… only the strong survive. Not so with acting. Theatre doesn't 'weed out' quite so prodigiously. And that doesn't have to be a bad thing. But I do feel like actors can and do get lazy. When actors are not actively working on a show, they don't spend 4 hours a day reading plays, seeing plays, working on monologues, adding new skills etc. An acrobat does. A dancer does. Some musicians do. ;) Most actors do not. The longer I am around, the more I see how important it is for us to 'get things in our body' and this really only happens with practice. Granted, actors do indeed do this during the rehearsal process for a show. We are lucky enough to have 8 hours a day to do it for Streetcar. This is not always the case. A lot of the time actors will start rehearsal at 6pm after a long day of doing some other job and then have 4 hours to work on what they ostensibly love to do. But we get tired. We don't push ourselves to go deeper, try things new ways… We tell ourselves that we'll try it tomorrow, you know, when we aren't so tired. But then we end up being tired the next day and the next. Here's where a really good director can save your freaking life. Personally, I love to be pushed… I love to try to open up new things… see something in a new way… but sometimes, I have a hard time forcing myself to be the nexus of change. It's hard. It's uncomfortable. It's exhausting. But it's also so freaking exhilarating. And it's really where the work is - the work that we do as actors. We should not be trying to find 'the right way', but trying to find ALL the ways and then have them all at your disposal so that when a cast mate throws you a curve ball, you're not just open and ready, but you catch it and return it with a fast ball of your own… We are lucky to have such an amazing director for Streetcar. Jasson inspires. He pushes. He questions. He really listens. He cares. He's direct and pulls no freaking punches. He's open and receptive and trusting and trustworthy. And I haven't even seen a hint of an ego trip. It's rather refreshing and so very pleasing. Have I mentioned you all must come? ;)

This is hard to talk about and I'm doing a bumbling job of it. I guess I'm done for now.

They ordered shamrock cookies here at work today for an afternoon treat. They taste like cardboard. Such a waste to eat a bad cookie. Such a waste to make a bad cookie.

more happinesses

so, streetcar is just about the best play ever. and it's looking like our production is going to ROCK. my old golden love of theatre has been reinforced and reinvigorated and - eek - i just don't even know what to say. I am absolutely in LOVE with Stella and playing in her skin is such a treat every day... playing with this group of people is such a treat every day....

that's about all i can articulate today. but you should come see it.... check it out here: Streetcar

and you can even check out our actor blogs. i wrote a characteristically excitable one. MTC Blog

lovely

it is a simply a magnificent day out today.

it is impossible not to smile. :)